Current Updates

I know it's been a while since I've written anything here. I've had alot going on in my personal life, which noone here wants to hear about, as well as drama in my 'other' life....the life that I share with my readers here. Because of all that I haven't felt the compulsion to write much at all but I think I'm at a point where I can see the air clearing a bit for me and woke up today wanting to write about it all.

Where to start??

Let's start with EC. Maybe I should end this blog post with EC because that's basically where things are with him. The End. After several attempts to establish with him where things are and what we both want from our time together I was still left feeling as if we weren't on the same page. I think our biggest issue is our own personal lives getting in the way of things developing between us. After a week of not hearing from him I decided mentally and emotionally I needed to move on.

On to the brit! The brit is the newest boy for me and we spent some initial time getting to know each other. We've had some voicechat sessions, some vanilla, some D/s related that have been great fun! I've had him send me a few audio files of when I've allowed him to play. Good grief those are HOT! And yes, I've gotten off more than once from listening to those audio files. Yum! Things aren't always 100% perfect between us but that's part of the learning process and I enjoy my time with him.

There's a new boy in town. Literally, in the town I live in. I've been wanting to find a local boy to play with for a while now and I met someone through Fetlife a few weeks ago. We've been chatting quite consistently and it seems that he's very interested in pursuing exploring his sub side (he claims to be a switch with not much sub experience). Fingers crossed!

I've recently gotten reacquainted with the Alpha. To see the entire story about him, click on the link for the Doms in my life. About a month ago we got reconnected via emails and texting, which I am being cautious about since it was very emotionally hard for me to move past he and I being over. I'm not sure we'll ever get back to what we had when things were good between us, but I'm confident that at this point we both recognize how much we enjoy having each other in our lives and remain there for a very long time. Aside from me discovering my submission by getting to know him, he is a very good friend and we'll always have a strong bond.

I guess that's about it for now as far as updates go. I know they weren't very exciting but maybe it'll help explain why I've been a bit remiss in my posting duties here.

Whips, canes and floggers. Oh my!

I think there needs to be BDSM merit badges or something. You know...a badge for when a sub first gets tied up, one for when they first get their ass beat, etc. You get the idea. If there was that type of system in place I'd get one for attending my first play party. Fine, so it's not some monumental event for everyone but it was for me.

Since the majority of my experience has been only online, spending time with EC is opening doors for me in so many ways. And all in good ways. This past weekend I went to a bdsm play party as EC's guest.

I didn't know a soul there, had no idea what to truly expect but I went with an open mind and the confidence in knowing that if I truly became uncomfortable I could say something to EC and He'd take care of me.

EC was not expecting me to play at this party, his goal was to give me the opportunity to observe, meet some people that he's known for a while and get a small idea of what happens in the lifestyle.

There was a variety of activities that went on through the night ranging from a fireplay and a cupping demonstration, knife play, beatings with various tools such as whips, canes and floggers. Oh my!

During the knife play scene I sat very close to the table where the scene was taking place. I have a fascination with the red marks left behind by play of any type so I really wanted to get close to the action but not close enough to interrupt this Dom and his focus.

I will admit at one point I almost asked the Dom if it would be ok if I ran my fingers along the marks he was leaving behind, but I didn’t want to intrude so I quietly watched while EC sat nearby.

Overall, the evening went very well and I really enjoyed myself and was glad that I went. Nothing I saw there shocked me or made me question whether I truly want to be involved in this lifestyle, so I’d call the night a success.

Now where’s my merit badge??

Life is a rollercoaster

On the upside, things with EC are progressing forward at a comfortable pace for me. We have plans to see each other in the next few days and we’re both hoping to gain some clarity on what each of us is wanting from the other (well, I think that’s obvious!) as well as expectations and the ‘L’ word…limits. We’ve dubbed this ‘the talk’ and I know it needs to happen for us to continue. I’m anticipating it will go well.

On the downside I will be dealing with some major issues in my personal life for some time to come. I’m hoping it doesn’t distract me from continuing with my blog but I don’t think it will. I have found that posting here is a bit cathartic for me, getting all those thoughts swimming around in my brain out on paper, so to speak. There may be some gaps in my frequency of postings but hopefully my small group of followers will be patient with me.

In relation to the boys, there’s been a change in that as well. After an agreed upon two week break period between myself and mb, both of us have decided it is time to sever our ties in a D/s manner and move on. I think I’ve seen this coming for a while and perhaps neither of us wanted to be the first to say it. I’ve learned a lot of myself from him and I can only hope I offered some insight to him and his desire for submission during our time together. I wish him the best in his journey to seek out a Mistress.

Quiet on the homefront

Things have been a bit slow lately and rather than make several small posts I thought it would be easier to condense a few short updates into one post.

The Captain: Officially, his nickname has been changed to El Capitan by someone I chat with on Twitter. Much easier to refer to him as EC and I like the way El Capitan sounds, so there! He and I had another chance to spend time together recently. It was a very last minute situation that came up and we both decided to seize the opportunity. We were in a very public place, I had not arrived alone however I was able to spend the majority of my time by myself with EC even though we were surrounded by lots of people. I was given a fairly easy task to complete, which I did willingly and I still revel in the thoughts of how that played out. Plans are in the works for another meeting and I see things between He and I moving along at a good pace.

mb: As of this time, mb and I are on a 'break' at his request. We had a long conversation one day about what was happening between us (he pretty much backed down and wasn't communicating with me) and it seemed to me he was throwing a bit of a tantrum. I changed tactics on him and he didn't like it. We have one more week of this break time and then we'll decide where we go from there.

the outsiders: I have two outsiders I've been communicating with, each with very different situations as to why they can't, or won't, serve me.

I get a sense from one of them that things are not quite right with his current Mistress and we've had many in depth conversations regarding this. I'm not trying to steal him away from Her, and I've made it very clear to him that if he chooses to leave the situation it doesn't mean I will take him on. Hopefully giving him some insight from my point of view will help him grow as a sub and make the decision that is right for him.

The other outsider is someone I am definitely interested in yet he has some personal issues pertaining to his last Mistress that he needs to work through. We had a nice chat one afternoon about situations like that, bonds that get broken, the healing process, and we are at a point of remaining friends and continuing our contact. I won't deny that it seems like we'd be a good match but I also won't ask him to serve me if he isn't ready. That's not fair to either of us.

pog: It's been almost three weeks since I've heard from him but I know he needs that time to heal from losing ht, not only as a pervy play partner but also as a close friend. I know he won't walk away from our friendship without talking to me so I just need to be patient and let him have his space right now. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, as a friend, but he knows how to find me and I won't worry about it. Too much.

I guess that's about it for now. Questions? Comments? Buehler? Buehler?

First Impressions

I recently had an opportunity to meet with a new Dom, The Captain. Initially, I was too frightened to take that giant leap but something He said within the first few minutes of us meeting struck a cord with me and confirmed that I had made the right decision…”The opportunity we pass up today, will be what we regret tomorrow”.

So there I was, sitting in a small café waiting for Him to find me. I had gotten there early, very early, as I was nervous about meeting Him and felt more comfortable being able to watch for Him. Which, coincidentally my nerves took over and I ended up with my nose glued to a book, trying to act all casual on the outside while I was slightly freaking out on the inside. Not sure if He ever noticed that.

I knew what He looked, what He would be wearing and He also knew what I was wearing right down to the nail polish on my toes. When He first arrived we thought we’d prefer a quieter corner of the store as opposed to being surrounded by others in the café so we walked around searching out a new place to sit. There was a time during our search that I had stopped walking, perhaps to get some insight from Him as to what to do next as we were not finding any open seats. I don’t know if He did it on purpose or not but He strolled right into my personal space.

What I still find interesting is that right in that moment I didn’t flinch, I didn’t back up, I wanted Him there. I wanted that Dominant aura, if you will, so close to my proximity. I took that as a good sign.

We ended up going back in the café to sit down. Talking for about an hour, quietly conversing amongst ourselves lest someone over hear us discussing not only my search for a particular cookbook but also police issued handcuffs and chains hanging from His basement ceiling. Both of which He has assured me He owns. I think I remember feeling envious of the women that have been graced with either of those items.

I also remember sitting across from Him at this little café table, feeling as if I wanted more. I tiptoed around kink related issues, not sure how much He would share with me and quite possibly He may have questioned how much He thought I could handle. Perfectly appropriate behavior for a first meeting, on both our parts so I didn’t fret too much about that.

I was a bit surprised in myself that I agreed to leaving the café and going somewhere for lunch with Him. I wasn’t sure this was proper first meeting etiquette but I decided if it’s something we’re both ok with then I won’t worry about whether it was proper or not.

As He said to me during my decision making process "We’re just meeting for coffee, I’m not going to beat you". And by beating me I’m not referring to the "call the police some strange man just beat me up" type of beating. I’m talking about the "send me home with red marks across my ass that I begged for" type of beating. I later found out He would have been happy to provide me with said red marks instead of taking me to lunch. What was that I said about passing up opportunities earlier? Never mind.

Lost my train of thought. Oh yeah. Lunch with the Captain.

During lunch, which amounted to at least another hour of time spent together, I was not lost on the body language between us. Arms in close proximity, leaning in toward each other while talking, basic stuff to most people but it seemed to have a different meaning in this particular situation. I felt strongly I wanted Him back in my personal space and I liked that I felt that way.

Before this post turns into a novel I’ll cut to the end of our meeting. We left the restaurant and had that awkward moment before parting, both of us standing there looking at each other and wondering where we go next. His outstretched arms offered a hug which I gladly went to Him for and in that moment I secretly wished He’d grab a handful of my hair and give it a good tug.

They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Oh, He’ll get a second chance to make a first impression….in the form of a red mark on my ass.

My Dom the Captain

The Captain

The Captain is a relatively new Dom that has entered my life. He and I met through Fetlife, spent some time getting to know each other through messages there. He lives the lifestyle, has for 10 years or so, both with in person submissives as well as online only. I can see learning a lot from the Captain whether we end up committed in a D/s way or not. He is also the closest Dom to me, the others have all been very long distance. Him being so close creates a whole new dynamic for me and something I need to work through. He’s patient, knows my limitations within my vanilla life and we’re taking things one day at a time.

Update: The Captain will now be referred to as 'EC' which stands for El Capitan. Much more fun to say and easier to abbreviate in my blog posts.