Friday, August 28, 2009

Life is a rollercoaster

On the upside, things with EC are progressing forward at a comfortable pace for me. We have plans to see each other in the next few days and we’re both hoping to gain some clarity on what each of us is wanting from the other (well, I think that’s obvious!) as well as expectations and the ‘L’ word…limits. We’ve dubbed this ‘the talk’ and I know it needs to happen for us to continue. I’m anticipating it will go well.

On the downside I will be dealing with some major issues in my personal life for some time to come. I’m hoping it doesn’t distract me from continuing with my blog but I don’t think it will. I have found that posting here is a bit cathartic for me, getting all those thoughts swimming around in my brain out on paper, so to speak. There may be some gaps in my frequency of postings but hopefully my small group of followers will be patient with me.

In relation to the boys, there’s been a change in that as well. After an agreed upon two week break period between myself and mb, both of us have decided it is time to sever our ties in a D/s manner and move on. I think I’ve seen this coming for a while and perhaps neither of us wanted to be the first to say it. I’ve learned a lot of myself from him and I can only hope I offered some insight to him and his desire for submission during our time together. I wish him the best in his journey to seek out a Mistress.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Quiet on the homefront

Things have been a bit slow lately and rather than make several small posts I thought it would be easier to condense a few short updates into one post.

The Captain: Officially, his nickname has been changed to El Capitan by someone I chat with on Twitter. Much easier to refer to him as EC and I like the way El Capitan sounds, so there! He and I had another chance to spend time together recently. It was a very last minute situation that came up and we both decided to seize the opportunity. We were in a very public place, I had not arrived alone however I was able to spend the majority of my time by myself with EC even though we were surrounded by lots of people. I was given a fairly easy task to complete, which I did willingly and I still revel in the thoughts of how that played out. Plans are in the works for another meeting and I see things between He and I moving along at a good pace.

mb: As of this time, mb and I are on a 'break' at his request. We had a long conversation one day about what was happening between us (he pretty much backed down and wasn't communicating with me) and it seemed to me he was throwing a bit of a tantrum. I changed tactics on him and he didn't like it. We have one more week of this break time and then we'll decide where we go from there.

the outsiders: I have two outsiders I've been communicating with, each with very different situations as to why they can't, or won't, serve me.

I get a sense from one of them that things are not quite right with his current Mistress and we've had many in depth conversations regarding this. I'm not trying to steal him away from Her, and I've made it very clear to him that if he chooses to leave the situation it doesn't mean I will take him on. Hopefully giving him some insight from my point of view will help him grow as a sub and make the decision that is right for him.

The other outsider is someone I am definitely interested in yet he has some personal issues pertaining to his last Mistress that he needs to work through. We had a nice chat one afternoon about situations like that, bonds that get broken, the healing process, and we are at a point of remaining friends and continuing our contact. I won't deny that it seems like we'd be a good match but I also won't ask him to serve me if he isn't ready. That's not fair to either of us.

pog: It's been almost three weeks since I've heard from him but I know he needs that time to heal from losing ht, not only as a pervy play partner but also as a close friend. I know he won't walk away from our friendship without talking to me so I just need to be patient and let him have his space right now. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, as a friend, but he knows how to find me and I won't worry about it. Too much.

I guess that's about it for now. Questions? Comments? Buehler? Buehler?

Monday, August 17, 2009

First Impressions

I recently had an opportunity to meet with a new Dom, The Captain. Initially, I was too frightened to take that giant leap but something He said within the first few minutes of us meeting struck a cord with me and confirmed that I had made the right decision…”The opportunity we pass up today, will be what we regret tomorrow”.

So there I was, sitting in a small café waiting for Him to find me. I had gotten there early, very early, as I was nervous about meeting Him and felt more comfortable being able to watch for Him. Which, coincidentally my nerves took over and I ended up with my nose glued to a book, trying to act all casual on the outside while I was slightly freaking out on the inside. Not sure if He ever noticed that.

I knew what He looked, what He would be wearing and He also knew what I was wearing right down to the nail polish on my toes. When He first arrived we thought we’d prefer a quieter corner of the store as opposed to being surrounded by others in the café so we walked around searching out a new place to sit. There was a time during our search that I had stopped walking, perhaps to get some insight from Him as to what to do next as we were not finding any open seats. I don’t know if He did it on purpose or not but He strolled right into my personal space.

What I still find interesting is that right in that moment I didn’t flinch, I didn’t back up, I wanted Him there. I wanted that Dominant aura, if you will, so close to my proximity. I took that as a good sign.

We ended up going back in the café to sit down. Talking for about an hour, quietly conversing amongst ourselves lest someone over hear us discussing not only my search for a particular cookbook but also police issued handcuffs and chains hanging from His basement ceiling. Both of which He has assured me He owns. I think I remember feeling envious of the women that have been graced with either of those items.

I also remember sitting across from Him at this little café table, feeling as if I wanted more. I tiptoed around kink related issues, not sure how much He would share with me and quite possibly He may have questioned how much He thought I could handle. Perfectly appropriate behavior for a first meeting, on both our parts so I didn’t fret too much about that.

I was a bit surprised in myself that I agreed to leaving the café and going somewhere for lunch with Him. I wasn’t sure this was proper first meeting etiquette but I decided if it’s something we’re both ok with then I won’t worry about whether it was proper or not.

As He said to me during my decision making process "We’re just meeting for coffee, I’m not going to beat you". And by beating me I’m not referring to the "call the police some strange man just beat me up" type of beating. I’m talking about the "send me home with red marks across my ass that I begged for" type of beating. I later found out He would have been happy to provide me with said red marks instead of taking me to lunch. What was that I said about passing up opportunities earlier? Never mind.

Lost my train of thought. Oh yeah. Lunch with the Captain.

During lunch, which amounted to at least another hour of time spent together, I was not lost on the body language between us. Arms in close proximity, leaning in toward each other while talking, basic stuff to most people but it seemed to have a different meaning in this particular situation. I felt strongly I wanted Him back in my personal space and I liked that I felt that way.

Before this post turns into a novel I’ll cut to the end of our meeting. We left the restaurant and had that awkward moment before parting, both of us standing there looking at each other and wondering where we go next. His outstretched arms offered a hug which I gladly went to Him for and in that moment I secretly wished He’d grab a handful of my hair and give it a good tug.

They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Oh, He’ll get a second chance to make a first impression….in the form of a red mark on my ass.

My Dom the Captain

The Captain

The Captain is a relatively new Dom that has entered my life. He and I met through Fetlife, spent some time getting to know each other through messages there. He lives the lifestyle, has for 10 years or so, both with in person submissives as well as online only. I can see learning a lot from the Captain whether we end up committed in a D/s way or not. He is also the closest Dom to me, the others have all been very long distance. Him being so close creates a whole new dynamic for me and something I need to work through. He’s patient, knows my limitations within my vanilla life and we’re taking things one day at a time.

Update: The Captain will now be referred to as 'EC' which stands for El Capitan. Much more fun to say and easier to abbreviate in my blog posts.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

My Dom the Alpha

The Alpha

The Alpha and I met through Literotica after I commented on a story he wrote. We started emailing, then moved to being on the phone. During that time not only did a wonderful friendship develop but I credit him with unlocking what I now understand to be submissive tendencies within myself.

I wouldn’t technically label him a Dom as he does not live the lifestyle in person as far as having subs or slaves. I labeled him the Alpha because he’s just that, very alpha in his regular life, in work, in play, in general. He and I butted heads for a few months while I figured out my role with him. I knew at the end of the day he was the boss but I still needed that confirmation that I would be heard, I would be respected and cherished for the person that I am.

I was not required to refer to him as Sir or Master, at the very least we were friends and at best he understood the ‘mind fuck’ I so desperately wanted. And he willingly gave it. My involvement with him in a D/s way ranged from fulfilling simple tasks such as which nailpolish color to wear to tasks involving much more submission. Orgasm denial, orgasm countdowns, scenes describing how I would submit to him, etc.

Our involvement on a daily basis was via email or phone. We were in constant contact and I think that strengthened what we had between us and enabled me to completely trust him and allow myself to block everything out of my mind and let him in, sexually. Some may think it’s not possible to do that when you haven’t been with that person ‘in the flesh’ but to the degree it could happen for me, it happened often with him.

The Alpha and I were together for 1 ½ years. We never met in person, he always respected my boundaries and limits pertaining to us meeting. Toward the end of our relationship I came to a point that I felt I needed to meet him. We had agreed on meeting yet a date was never set. Life happens, things change and I ended things before we had that opportunity. Not taking the chance to meet him earlier in our relationship is the only thing I regret about it.

I consider him a very good friend and I will always miss him. Lucky for me I have a tangible item that he sent to me as a reminder of our time together. I will always be thankful for that.

My Dom RPG

RPG (Raunchy Phone Guy)

Yes, he’ s raunchy on the phone. Very raunchy. But in a ‘this guy gets me’ type of way. Sure, anyone can talk dirty on the phone but this guy knows what I want and need to hear from him and he delivers tenfold. We also met through Literotica and have been emailing and calling for close to a year now. He does not live the Dom lifestyle in his ‘real life’, but in a way much like the Alpha, he’s naturally dominant. It’s in the tone of his voice, the change in his words and what he asks of me that keeps me going back for more. Should he and I ever meet I’m sure it would be nothing short of amazing on so many levels.

My Dom SD

SD (Scary Dom)

SD got his nickname from my reaction to him from the very beginning and to this day. I audibly gasp when he messages me and I9ve told him this. My ‘fear’ of him is a mental thing. I’m pretty sure I fear what I know SD will do to me…mentally, physically, and emotionally. Even if it might all be a good thing. We’ve had long talks about this which usually end up with me feeling like SD is prowling around me.

I first met SD when I was still with the Alpha. He’s always been respectful of the fact that I belonged to someone else yet has also has always made it clear He desires me. He listened to me through the months when things with the Alpha weren’t going well but He knew I had to come to the decision to leave on my own.

He requires certain protocol, certain routines and basic tasks without me questioning them. He lives the lifestyle, is very good at what He does and I have no doubt would take me places I never thought possible. And I’m not talking about a vacation to the Bahamas. Sounds perfect, right? Not so much for me.

Living the lifestyle for Him means more than one submissive or slave in His ownership. I do not feel comfortable in that dynamic and have told Him so. He now understands that even though there is a part of me that desires what He can give me, as a Dom, there’s a bigger part of me that cannot serve Him and be ‘one of many’.
At this point we’re friends; our contact is on a fairly regular basis. Our conversations sometimes flow easily and other times we struggle. I’m not sure where things will end up with Him but I do enjoy him being around and I’m sure somewhere in our friendship I will find a few things I have learned about myself from Him.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I'm not into....

It's always fun getting to know a new boy, seeing if he and I click and have common interests...both BDSM and vanilla. The past few days I've been in contact with a boy who shows some promise as a sub but time will tell.

Some of our emailing consisted of likes/dislikes from both of us and eventually the topic of boys playing with boys came up. Many boys play sexually with other boys very willingly, others have no interest but do it at the command of a Domme (aka forced bi) and others absolutely refuse. Everyone has their own tolerance levels and that's what the 'getting to know you' phase is about.

One of our most recent emails entailed me describing a scene that was set in motion should myself, pog and ht have gotten together and played in person. I described the scene to him, quite curious what his reaction would be.

his reply: Wow, that's pretty kinky. Though I'm not into the forced bi stuff at all.

My reply: Ah, just the 'I participate willingly bi stuff'???

A followup reply to my comment made it very clear what his limits are. And they don't include anything bi. No worries.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The art of collaring

Yesterday I was at my local pet store and standing in line I noticed a display of collars nearby and was reminded of the time I sent mb to get an id tag made for his collar. I wonder if the cashier thought I was a little bit crazy standing there fondling the patent leather collars and smiling? Who cares.

When mb and I first met he made it clear that wearing a collar for his Mistress is very important to him. I take the act of collaring a sub very serious and was not interested in catering to his whim right off the bat. He and I went back and forth about this for a while, I knew I couldn’t mail him a collar and I knew him going out and buying one was risky for several reasons.

I also already knew he had a collar in his stash of toys that he had never worn and he asked if he could use that one. I needed a way to personalize it to suit me and after thinking about it for a while I sent him to his local pet store to make a personalized id tag on one of those machines that many of the pet stores have. Right up front in full view of everyone. See where this is headed?

His task had to be carried out during his lunch hour at work and he had to enlist the help of one of the employees. Now, mb is a smart man and I know full well he could have completed this task without any help. But that wasn’t the purpose. He wants the humiliation in his life and it amuses me to make him suffer through it.

Once mb got to the store he had to locate an employee, explain that he needed to make a personalized id tag and ask if they could help him. Standing at the machine while the employee (a female employee) walked him through the steps of choosing which id tag he wanted, she then asked him what he wanted the tag to say. He hesitated but he also knew getting to put that collar around his neck depended on him completing this task, as instructed.

He told the employee what it had to say and he later told me he couldn’t tell if she was horribly embarrassed or intriqued. She showed him how to enter the information on the id tag and print it out. The same cashier checked him out and he left the store, task completed.

When he got back to the office he told me he did his task and I asked him how it went. His reply? "I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. But I also walked out of there with the biggest hardon I’ve ever had".

Mission accomplished!!

Oh, and the id tag says ‘This slut belongs to Mistress (insert my real name here)’.

Why I have a blog

I’ve been asked several times over the past few months why I don’t have a blog. Up until recently the only reply I could give was ‘I don’t think I have enough to say’ and that was a good enough answer. So what happened that changed my mind? One of my boys, pog, lost his best friend, ht, to a massive heart attack. It didn’t take me long after that to decide I wanted to start a blog for several reasons.

Not long ago the opportunity came up for me to meet pog in person and I suggested he bring ht along. The three of us meeting, spending time in person and being able to physically play out many of the things we’d been talking about for months…was almost a dream come true for each of us.

Five days before we were scheduled to meet, pog got word that ht had collapsed. Two hours later I got a text message from pog that ht never recovered. He’s devastated, that’s a huge loss in his life. The two of them have been friends since a very young age.

I only knew ht through talking to pog, he and I had texted a few times, he sent me pictures of tasks he did for me. I not only considered him a friend but a very willing and compliant sub. It took me by surprise how hard it hit me when I got the news about what happened.

To a small degree, I owe the start of this blog to ht. I feel that the boys I play with deserve recognition and the confirmation in black and white that their presence in my life means something. I will miss him dearly.

Friday, August 7, 2009

My boys mb

mb (muffin boy)

I met mb through Literotica. He had posted an ad looking for an online mistress and I decided to contact him and see if we clicked. He is my only full time sub and the only one that has been collared by me. For several months he and I tiptoed around what each of us wanted or expected from our relationship. Being my first full time sub I was treading lightly. Recently we had a good talk about where things were with us and what we each expected. The results from that created a whole new level of his service to me, for the better. Once I better understood his desire for humiliation, degradation and pain I no longer felt guilty for my actions or the tone at which I spoke to him.

We’re still on a rocky road with each other, mainly due to our lack of options for contact. Right now it’s only online throughout the day when each of us is at work which makes things a challenge. He wants my dominance when it fits into his life and that doesn’t always work for me. He’s very close to being let go as I’m starting to feel as if he likes the ‘idea’ of me but he’s not willing or able to fully commit like he says he is.

My boys pet


Ahhhh, my pet. He is a true dichotomy of a man. Our initial contact was about him and his sexual trysts as a dominant man. From a submissive side I loved hearing his stories of conquest, how he ‘takes’ women and how they give in to him. He is also the prime example of a beer drinking-cigarette smoking-southern drawl redneck of a man from TN. He and I had briefly talked about me being dominant with other men that I chat with and one day he asked me to try it with him. He actually said he’d like to see if he had any reaction to it. So I did…and he did.

Ever since then he’s been my loyal pet, wearing his cute little pink scrunchy around the base of his cock to remind him of who owns him. I am the only woman he has submitted to, online or in person and I consider that an honor. I don’t see him online often, we’ve talked on the phone a few times, but he checks in via email whenever he can and he always signs off with ‘your loyal and loving pet’.

My boys pog

pog (Pervy Office Guy)

With pog, what started out as mutual interests in all things sexual has turned into a true friendship and understanding of our desires. He knows full well of my switch status and loves hearing all the delicious details from either side of the fence. In his real life he is naturally more dominant but he loves having me give him direction, expressing my wants with him and he allows me to take on whichever role with him I want or need in any given moment. I wouldn’t classify him as a true submissive, his hard limits are pretty low on the scale but he is more than willing to give when I ask of him.

We are in constant contact throughout each day. Mainly texting and a phone call each day, although we used to instant message throughout the day while each of us was at work. A big factor in our conversations is his relationship with a very good friend of his, ht. He and ht have been friends since a young age, ht is bisexual and perfectly willing to submit to pog. I get detailed accounts of their play time together as well as photos. I love that they both allowed me into this part of their lives.

My boys ht

ht (Horny Toad)

ht got his nickname from pog. Apparently ht truly is a very horny toad. I have not talked to ht on the phone but we have texted several time as well as him texting me pictures of the tasks I’ve given him. He is very willing to serve me and as pog says ‘he’s very submissive, you’ll love him!’. My involvement with ht is mainly through pog but he quickly became a friend of mine also.

My boys the outsiders

the outsiders

This is a group of men who I see on a ‘not so regular basis’ online. I have not given them nicknames as they are not committed to me as a submissive. They want to be submissive, but due to work or their own personal lives they aren’t able to. They come find me when they can, some of them have opportunities to get on webcam for me and others want me to give them simple tasks. If I have the time when I see them, I oblige them.

About Me

Over two years ago what started out as casual conversations with men online has blossomed into an awakening of sorts, within myself. It’s taken me completely by surprise and while I’ve merely just scratched the surface of the many facets of BDSM, dominance and submission, I’m enjoying every minute of the learning process.

My first experience with dominating a man came from someone I had met online. We had been chatting for several months and he had never expressed his desire for submission to me. When we were chatting one day he presented me with a full disclosure of his fetishes. He asked me what I thought about his desire to dress himself in women’s lingerie, parade around the house doing chores dressed that way, or go out in public wearing women’s panties. I’m very open minded so I had no problem with hearing of his fetishes.

And then he asked me how I felt about being dominant with him, giving him orders, requiring proper replies such as ‘Yes ma’am’ and making him beg for an orgasm. I thought it would be fun to try so I gave it a go. I never expected to be so aroused after that time with him and both of us agreed we had touched on a dynamic between us better than either of us expected.

From that day on I knew I had stumbled upon a part of me that was always inside me and now I wanted to know more. I read, read, read and read some more about femdom, male submission and everything else I could get my hands on online. Since then and even to this day it amazes me the things that men crave as a submissive, what they will do for a woman when asked and how high their levels of tolerance are when it comes to pain and humiliation from a woman. They want it and I’m happy to give it to them, it comes easily for me.

Another facet of BDSM that I am enjoying is my own submissive tendency. Yes, that’s right. I am also submissive. In the lifestyle I’m what others would call a ‘switch’. Being submissive does not come easily for me, I fight it, the concept of handing over the control to someone else. But I want it, on many levels in my life and like the men that submit to me, I crave it.

It takes a special person to see through my tough exterior and get inside my head, to have the patience to wait out my resistance and bring out the part of me that not many have been able to reach. He’s out there, maybe someday he’ll find me.

Until that day comes, I’ll continue to make boys blush.